These days 

These days

There are a few months in my life with significant meaning. March because I had my miscarriage on the 7th (2003) right before concieving Ava, concieved Ava only 2 weeks later! April because that's the month 2 of my friends were brutally murdered in 1999. And September because that's when my grandmother passed away (also in 1999). When we start getting into these months I often find myself down and just thinking about those things and then it dawns on me, "oh, that's why I've been thinking so much about that, because we are" in such and such month. Well, this month everything has been hitting me.

Anna (my sister in law) gave me flowers, pink tulips in particular, while I was still pregnant with the baby I eventually lost. We had a scare, that at the time proved to be nothing more than some stomach cramps early on and she and my brother in law stopped by the hospital to make sure we were okay with pink tulips in tow. It wasn't long after that that I lost that baby. I planted those tulips in memory of "her" and usually by this time of year they are just starting to come back. I don't know if it was because of the late freeze we got here last month but I was a little disappointed to not see even a hint of green coming up yet. However, I find it hard to believe nothing bigger than coincidence exists because of this. Some special friends of mine, whom I have NEVER met in person (I met them soon after getting pregnant with Ava on a board called "expecting in December 2003" where the blunt of us stayed in contact and I'd say about 20 of us still chat daily on that board or on MSN) blindsided me with thier kindness. Only about 2 days after an elective surgery I had on this past March 13th a box arrived. We tore it open sure to find a note in there from Mike since he is working in Austin right now and wasn't able to be there for much more than they surgery itself. But to my surprise it was from my California friends. Inside fully intact were 6 pink tulips beautifully arranged (since then 2 more have come up) . I looked out in the front yard about 2 days ago and my tulips still haven't poked through but I still have hope that they will come back to see me, that "she" will come back to remind me. I thought I should thank "her" for sacrificing herself so Ava could be with me, because Ava is absolutely meant to be MY daughter. So here Ava is, saying thanks.


I've also found myself just down, thinking about my grandmother alot lately too. Not that it's unusual to not be saddened by her not being here anymore but it's not usually to this degree until the end of August or September, But I found myself tearing up the other day while putting together a page for Ava's scrapbook knowing that my grandmother never got to meet my babies. How she would have marveled at Ava's little voice but strong demands and how Tyler is so sensitive and cuddly and loving. She was like that. She just had those warm arms that embraced you and made you sure that everything would be okay. Six and a half years ago she passed and I can still hear her laughter like it was yesterday. You know how when something really exciting happens and you just want to call everyone close to you and tell them about your glee? I often while driving sit and think, "who is it that I haven't called to express my excitement with"? I know someone I am very close to I am missing and then it hits me, it's my grandma. I STILL do that to this day. I miss her not being a part of my life anymore and more than anything I wish I could see her embrace my babies they way she embraced me.

Now I know April is right around the corner and I know it will be another difficult month for me. But writing this for some reason gets it all out. It's like, if I share it, someone hears me and if they hear me then I am not alone. But even if no one reads this, or if the world reads it, I will possibly never know but I want to write it, put it in black and white. I guess at heart I am an artist of sorts. Now I think I am going to go cut my ear off or paint some melting clocks or stairwells that lead to nowhere or something. Ok, at least I am attempting to make a joke guys, come on!


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Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:01 pm MST by grandma

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